It's been awhile since I've revamped this thing and of course, I always choose the most inconvenient times to start random projects such as this. So here we are. 4:15 AM on a night/morning where I have to work. But hey, at least this thing looks good. And fresh. Kinda.

Labels: internet

I haven't written in awhile so things feel slightly off-kilter. But not really. If that makes any sense.

Most recent freak out is my application to Ryerson University in Toronto. I've decided I'm going to apply for my Masters of Journalism there. Mostly to see if I can get in. Mostly to see if it's something God has planned for me. The idea is intriguing and of course, moving to a brand new city and living on my own just seems like such a seductive idea. I don't know if it's 'cause I've watched one too many episodes of Felicity but I feel like it's a step in my life that I could really use. Only difficulty now is getting my application in ASAP. First consideration date was Friday. Crap.

My other freak out is that I won't get my life together emotionally. I feel like I'm such an unstable person sometimes. I can barely get my own head and heart together -- let alone be attached to someone else and have them become emotionally entangled in my life. But then again, it's not like there's an excess of opportunity knocking.

I'm actually really okay with being single but I feel like I'm so underdeveloped. I feel like most people my age have already figured this kinda stuff out. Or at least have some possibilities. Me? Nada. Not realistic possibilities anyway. It seems as if the only men who interest me are either committed to graduate studies for life, much too popular for my own humble existence, or have baggage.

To be realistic though, it doesn't make sense for me to be so down on life. I was running down the street the other day and my Blackberry flew out of my pocket and hit the crowd. The backing came off, battery slid out. It's pretty bruised around the edges and made me want to cry and whine and complain. Then Melinda reminded me that there are people in Haiti who have bigger issues. That pretty much put everthing in perspective for me. Blackberry? Screw that. I am pathetic for ever having complained about my life.

Anyway. I seem to have these small moments of happiness and joy, things that just make me happy. Simple as that. One of these small joys is you. Yes, you. That sounds weird but if you're wondering if I'm talking about you then ask yourself, "Do I want her to be talking about me?" If the answer to that question is, "yes" then yes. I'm talking about you. You're aweSOME.

Labels: life, school

I am bracing myself! And because I feel out of practice about writing blogs, I'm going to allow myself a little bit of point-form:

• Started an internship with the Review. Wrote stories today. I'm legit!
  
• Supposed to start an internship with Gateway Theatre but so far, the meeting has to be postponed because my coordinator is out-of-town. S'okay.
  
• Grad photos were last week. Dom did my make-up and came with me because I was so nervous. Ah! They're already done and waiting for me to pick them up!
  
• Journalism school applications are going smoothly. Picked up my last letter of recommendation today! Now, all I have to do is a 500 word statement of intent, a copy of my resume, and a portfolio. Damn. That actually sounds like a lot now that I've listed all of it.
  
• Picking up my Olympic 2010 volunteer uniform this Saturday! Yay!
  
• Olympics in general! I know a lot of people are still ticked off about it but I am getting pretty pumped. Found out last week that I get to tour the Media Press Center and I get to attend the final dress rehearsal for the Opening Ceremony!
  
• Did I mention I'm volunteering with Men's Hockey at GM Place? Best view in the house? AND AN ON-ICE CEREMONY?! WIN. Literally.

Labels: school, sports, work

Just had dinner at the Reef with Terri, Kristie, and Alisa. It's evenings like the one I just had that remind me it's okay to be single. As long as I'm surrounded by good people who care for me, I will be alright in the end.

On the plus side, I feel like I've made great strides this past year in the "learning-to-control-my-emotions" department. I no longer feel consumed by desperation and rejectedness everytime something doesn't go my way (ie. when I realize a boy is not interested). But then again, a lot of this is because I haven't bought the lottery ticket. Allow me to explain:

A poor man who goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint, begging "Dear saint - please, please, please! Give me the grace to win the lottery." This lament goes on for months. Finally, the exasperated statue comes to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust, "My son - please, please, please! Buy a ticket!"

The point is, I really haven't put myself out there a whole lot in recent years. I could blame it on being busy due to school and work, but really? Is that a reason or an excuse?

However, there is a difference between putting myself out there and putting myself out there. Being in the dating pool doesn't always mean being emotionally vulnerable. Like Terri mentioned once, "Dating can be fun, man. Don't confuse it with relationships." When I was younger, I definitely put myself out there and wasn't careful about who I trusted with my feelings. As tacky as that sounds, there's a certain kind of protection and safety that comes with guarding your heart and not letting your feelings get ahead of your head when it comes to relationships. I'm not talking about sex or the decision to save yourself 'til marriage, but even just the simple admission of liking someone... that does a whole lot to you when the other person knows exactly how you feel. Sometimes, it's good to have a little mystery going on.

Labels: friends, life

So here it is. Tomorrow morning is the last full day of my undergraduate career. I mean, I'm still taking a course in second term but it's The History of the Broadway Musical and it's mostly just to keep me in the swing of things. But for real, tomorrow is the last full day. After this, I'm going to walk out with a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and Family Studies.

And it won't mean a damn thing!

I mean, yes, it will be amazing to walk across the stage with my family watching and cheering but in the grand scheme of things? It's a piece of paper that says I'm SMRT. Now the real test is to see if I can survive in the "real world."

But I digress. Tomorrow is my last full day. It's going to be an exciting one. I feel it in my bones.

Labels: family, life, school

Is it okay to admit that I'm a little lonely sometimes? Or that I'm a little insecure? I know it's such a sign of weakness in our culture to admit these sorts of things but I want to make it okay for me to feel the way that I do. This is how I feel and I can't just easily hide to distract myself from it.

It's not that being lonely is a terrible thing. For me and for my life at this point in time, it's good. I'm learning to be on my own and it forces me to push my boundaries a little. It makes me try new things, learn new things, experience new things... who knows? I had brunch at IHOP by myself a while back. And it was amazing. Sitting by myself, with my cup of coffee, checking my e-mail and the news. It was nice, really nice. I finally got a chance to just think. Even though, yes, I'm pretty much alone all day on campus, only really interacting during classes -- this is different from that.

After awhile though, I realize that it's not being alone I need to re-learn. It's the ability to not be in a crowd. I love crowds and I love action and I love noises and sometimes, that gets the best of me. Lately, I've been trying to connect with people one-on-one, sometimes even people that I'm not super familiar with, and in the process, it forces me to really be brave in initiating conversations, asking questions that might be a little too personal. It's not a completely selfish endeavour though. I feel like I'm finally taking a chance to get to know some of the people in my life that I thought knew but really, not as well as I thought. It's really nice to find an ally, someone who understands what you mean and gives you a chance to explain yourself without all those preconceived notions from years of history.

I guess it's a learning process. As social as I think I am, I still have miles to go before I'll feel comfortable heading out into this world. We'll see how it goes.

Labels: friends, life

Strange. In order to get my blog lined up with my new Gmail address, I have to add my Gmail address as a user, grant it admin privileges, and then delete my Hotmail address as a blog member. So complicated. All I wanted was to be able to sign in using my new e-mail address. Anyway.

Labels: technology

Do you remember when you were 16 and you'd listen to Something Corporate songs and wish for the moments that took your breath away? The days and memories that were forever imprinted in your mind, people who stole your heart and never gave it back? Y'know, those moments that movies are made, where you re-evaluate your entire life and realize that everything you've been running away from, is exactly everything you needed.

I had one of those nights last night. The evening made me forget that I'm just a bored kid with no direction from Richmond. It was one of those evenings that me feel like I was on top of the world. I might be exaggerating a little but I felt really, really good last night.

I headed out to Vancouver with Nicole and Heather for the Parlour Steps, Stride Elementary, and Adaline show at the Rickshaw. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. The chamber orchestra sounded amazing next to Adaline. And the room... huge, concrete, and damn cold. But it made it sound "hauntingly beautiful." Doesn't hurt that her two violin players were way cute. (Haha...)

I left after her set though and treked down to the Funky Winker Beans Pub where Ben's band was playing. I've been meaning to catch one of their shows but haven't managed to make it out on time so far. When I walked in, they just walking off the stage. Boo. I totally paid $5 to get in, too. But I figure, I got into the Adaline show for free so at least somewhere, some musician is going to benefit from my $5.

It was really weird at the pub just 'cause most of the crowd were people I knew from high school. I always try to avoid the high school crowd just 'cause I think it's so awakrd sometimes but whatever. Said hello to a few people, saw Eric (!) and Chelsea (!!) so that was nice. Ben and I bailed during Holy Mammoth's set. It was so loud. I had ear plugs in the whole time.

We walked to 7-11 and I grabbed some hot chocolate, thank goodness. So DANG COLD. I know I've mentioned it a million times already, but whatever. We picked up his van and headed back to start loading equipment and you know what I realized? I hate girls who talk to band members after the show. They try too hard. They laugh a little too hard. It's frustrating. It's like they're trying to get the band to take them home after the show or something. Because of that, I feel like even if there were someone I was interested in at a show, I couldn't talk to them because I'd just be lumped with the rest of the girls in that scene. Ugh.

Because it was cold, I stayed in the van and texted with Alex and Rae while the band loaded their gear. Afterwards, we ditched the gear at Ben's drummer's place, hung out for a bit in an alleyway where his band mates cracked jokes and what not. That made me really like I was 15 again. Punked out and nowhere to go. Finally left to head back to Richmond and I totally thought I was getting dropped off but then we stopped in front of my building and Ben was like, "Do you wanna get pho?"

So we went to Pho Hoa and got some food and it was delicious. Even more delicious was the entertainment. A group of drunk kids were on their way in and out of the restaurant. SUCH. A. MESS. I am so glad I was never like that in high school. I don't even know them and I am embarassed for them. So drunk, they couldn't even stand up. And it was the girls that were messed up too. Such a bummer.

Anyway, I finally got home around 3 AM. I was so exhausted, I honestly just passed out in my bed. And now I know this sounds like a bit of a depressing night but it's not. It was a rare night where I didn't feel boxed in or trapped. I actually felt like a normal person, out and socializing with people my own age, listening to good music, spending quality time with quality friends. I like late nights where I can sit and talk and confess and not be embarassed by it. And that's what last night was. It just felt really good. Like I said, on top of the world.

Labels: concerts, friends, life, music

I was hanging out with a friend of mine who is quite a few years older than me and it made me realize I was totally born in the wrong decade.

I should've been born at least ten years earlier. I would've finished high school in 1989, enjoyed high school during the early 90's. All the music I listen to is stuff from that time period. All my favourite movies are from the 80's. It's ridiculous. I would've been able to enjoy Weezer at the time of their debut. I would be able to sing Outfield shamelessly and people would sing along! Sigh. I would've loved to be around during Nirvana's reign. None of this Miley Cyrus crap. The 90's would've been it.

Where's a time machine when you need it?!

Labels: life, movies, music